Billy is a good name. It's a good, solid name. I've never really taken much notice of it before. But when you put a playlist onto shuffle and not one, not two, but THREE 'Billy' songs come on... IN A ROW... there's a little part of you that quietly freaks out & wonders... who the shiz is Billy, and what the fudge is Billy trying to say?
So, in an attempt to figure this all out, I thought I'd give a little '80s/'90s Billy flashback a crack - to see if we can't figure it all out together...
ON THE RADIO
Billy Idol was just always around growing up. I didn't love or dislike his songs to any great extent, but he was always good value when you felt like rocking out.
Mmk... always try anything once, as they say.
How could anyone live through the '80s and not LOVE Uptown Girl from Billy Joel?
Now obvi I'm no Christie Brinkley, but maybe I'm being told to get more uptown, and less... downtown. Sure, I could give it a crack for a while, but I know - and I mean I KNOW - a life of blow drying my hair, painting my nails and reapplying my lippy hourly just aint for me.
Don't even get me started on the high heels.
How cool was/is Billy Ocean?! King of the compound sentence song title.
Maybe Billy is trying to tell me I'm crap at sentence structure? But why would Billy care? Is he going to ask me to ghostwrite his personal memoirs? I hope he pays well.
'Billy Jean' | Michael Jackson
I've written about Michael Jackson a couple of times since we launched Double Denim Days in April. Just last week I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole after watching an MJ doco, so I'm giving this one some extra thought. Maybe it's actually Michael who's sending me a message, through Billy/Billie?
All I really know is that Billie Jean is not MY lover either, so I send a big solidarity fist-pump to the spirit of Mickey J for that alone.
Phil Collins | (Billy) Don't Lose My Number
Billy, Billy don't you lose my number
'Cause you're not anywhere
That I can find you, oh no
Well this is all a bit futile, isn't it? Phil Collins is even more clueless about where the fig pudding Billy is than me! It's a blind leading the blind scenario here, which I don't think is helpful for anyone involved.
ON THE SCREEN
Maybe Billy Crystal has some answers. Let's see, let's see... Billy Crystal... When Harry Met Sally (1989) a movie about a woman freaking out about getting older, and City Slickers (1991) - a movie about a guy going on one last big adventure before he hits 40.
I love you internet. I appreciate you internet. But some things are just meant to stay between a girl and her therapist.
Early '90s Billy Zane was so hot. I watched him as a confident, dashing yank seduce Tilda Swinton's lovestruck Orlando (1992) on the big screen in a beautiful, regal theater. Then he went & royally rogered that fantasy by playing an A-grade douche canoe in Titanic (1997). If this Billy's trying to tell me anything here it's probably one of those 'all men are bastards in the end' lessons. Blah blah blah... not. helpful. billy.
'Billy' | Gremlins & Gremlins 2
Then at the opposite end of the spectrum is the all round nice Billy from Gremlins (1984) & Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990). He's nice. So very very nice. Even the man with the very deep voice who provides the trailer dialogue keeps banging on about how nice he is. But am I meant to say YES to a nice guy, or NO to a nice guy? It's all too confusing. Dude can't even keep his clocks wound up properly! He may be nice, but I'm also getting a slightly dubious vibe from this Billy.
'Billy' | Ally McBeal
Cage & Fish lawyer Billy is my last hope for Billy clarity. If Gremlins Billy was nice, Ally McBeal Billy is an epic snooze-fest of a Billy. BUT, he does hail from one of my absolute favourite TV shows ever. I saved up for the boxset a couple of years ago, and I can see it from where I am right now... Winking at me... whispering gently to me on the wings of the breeze that drifts softly from the window o'er yonder... and it all becomes crystal clear...
Thy destiny be mineth! Thou shalt embarketh uponeth renewest Ally McBeal bingefesteth forthwithest.
Jolly good job everyone. Dis-perse!